when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
