I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize