The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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