I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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