So drunk its hurt
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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