hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Randomize