i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
