Soap is not a condiment
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
