Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
