Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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