The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
