He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He better not be in your backpack
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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