I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
