I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
