So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
