i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's just like the Real World with babies
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
