my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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