Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
