Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
