he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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