Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
