you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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