I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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