its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
