im holly from the hills drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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