I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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