My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
