I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
