I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
