i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
