Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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