I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
