I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
