I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sober January is a disaster.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
