cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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