I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
