Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
