Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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