She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
