I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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