Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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