If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
