the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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