he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
