And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
