I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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