I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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