my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
