Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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