i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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