Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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