I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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