Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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