btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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