My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
