I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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