in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm passing your future prison.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
