A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
