Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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