I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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