I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
