It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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