you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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