sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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