Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize