If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
