just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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