You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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