he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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