Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize